Christmas should be one of the happiest times of the year, but for hundreds of thousands living with dementia, the festive period can be challenging. It’s something podcast producer and host Amy Elizabeth discovered for herself since her grandmother, Helen French, 87, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease.
Amy’s childhood memories of Christmas are centred on celebrating with her close-knit family at her grandparents’ flat in Bromley. “Christmas Eve was always my Nan and my Grandad, Brendan taking me, my brother and sister to Catford, Croydon or Bluewater on the bus to choose a present,” remembers Amy, who co-hosted the Strictly Come Dancing podcast alongside Scott Mills and produced Love Island’s The Morning After podcast.
“On Christmas Day, we’d go to church then all have dinner at their flat. We’d watch the Queen’s speech, Grandad would wear his Christmas tie and my Nan would dress up.”
Even when the grandchildren had grown up, the tradition of celebrating at Helen and Brendan’s persisted. But in 2017, Amy – who was then working at Radio 1 – and her parents Sandra and John began to suspect that something wasn’t right. “Nan was getting muddled about money and has always been very house proud but that was slipping. She was diagnosed officially during the pandemic.”
When Christmas rolled around, Amy’s mum took over the cooking at Helen and Brendan’s flat, and while Helen still loved Christmas, misunderstandings could easily upset her.
“We decided to do Secret Santa but my Nan didn’t understand the concept,” says Amy, who is in her thirties. “She’d got us all presents and we could see she was a bit upset. Not in a selfish way, but it’s not nice to give out presents and only get one back!
“So we said I was taking her to get her nails done and my brother had a hamper in the car to bring over later, which seemed to salvage the situation. My advice to anyone in the same situation would be, be mindful of introducing new traditions or concepts.”
In 2021, the family was hit by an unexpected tragedy when Brendan died from sepsis, aged 88. Amy made the decision to move in with Helen to be there for her.
“My family were worried at first, but Mum and Dad are really involved in Nan’s care too – they live on the next road and visit throughout the day – and make sure I’m still able to do my job.
“There have obviously been tough moments. Nan went through a phase known as ‘sundowning’ where she’d get very anxious in the late afternoon or early evening. She really wanted to go home and see her mum – we didn’t want to say her mother had died a long time ago so explained she’d have to get on an aeroplane to Ireland.
“One day I found her by the front door, dressed and ready to go, a suitcase packed with all the pictures of her grandchildren she’d taken off the wall to show her mum. I had to tell her that her mum was in heaven – it was like telling somebody that their parent had died for the first time. She was stunned.
“After that, we decided to enter her world, play along rather than correcting her. Now, she’s always in a happy bubble.
“And there have been some beautiful times I wasn’t expecting. I need my Nan as much as she needs me now, she makes me so happy.
Since Brendan died, the family have gathered for Christmas at Sandra and John’s. “It was too painful to celebrate at Nan and Grandad’s flat,” says Helen.
“The Christmas before last I was making a big deal out of the day, trying to make it special because I knew she’d be missing Grandad. I prepared an elaborate breakfast, put Christmas music on and kept saying ‘It’s Christmas Day!’
“But as we were getting ready, she was quiet and anxious. I realised it might be a bit overwhelming, turned the music off, tried to make it more like a normal day, and she was able to relax.
This year, Amy says her family’s main priority this Christmas will be making sure Helen has a wonderful day. “These days, all our decisions are based around Nan and how comfortable it will be for her. We don’t really do presents except for hers, because she gets so much joy from it. Watching her opening presents is the best thing.
“She was OK with decorations going up last year, so this year we’ll embrace it. But she doesn’t like mess, so I make sure it’s just the pretty sparkly things she likes and it looks very neat.”
Help Alzheimer’s Society provide a little light to people affected by dementia this Christmas. To donate, share your story or for more information, visit alzheimers.org.uk/Christmas or call 0333 150 3456.
