When my mother died in 2017, having been her carer, I wasn’t able to hand her over to faceless bureaucracy. Instead, I found a local funeral director who told me there are in fact only two rules about disposing of a dead relative.
You must not cause an affront to public decency – such as parading them around in a state – and if you plan to bury them in your garden (which is legal) you need permission from your local council. They would then need to be buried at sufficient depth so you do not risk breaking the first rule if they are dug up by a fox, for example.
I didn’t want to bury my mother in my garden, but I did want to look after her, as I had in life, so I helped prepare her body and we sat in vigil with her.
Then, my brother and I drove her to the crematorium in my campervan after a ceremony in woodland in which we all – young grandchildren and great-nephews, children, nieces and her daughter-in-law – helped carry her woven willow coffin using integral handles that actually worked.
The next day, my brother and I went ‘behind the scenes’ at the crematorium and saw her all the way to her fiery firmament. Cared for by us until the end. It was incredibly uplifting and allowed for a journey of grief from start to finish. Not for everyone, but right for us.
“The corporate funeral directors are not set up for something individual, like your local undertaker was,” adds Rupert. “But most crematoria will let you go backstage to see the process through to its conclusion, if you ask in advance.”
